Do you know How to flirt with girls and boys? Few things have impassioned me as much as the psychology of seduction. Surely it was the fault of my poor sentimental success during my youth, but I’ve always been curious to understand the mechanisms that cause one person to feel attracted to another, or feel nothing at all.
After much perseverance and practice, I managed to become relatively good at this. I even practiced as an instructor in the leading company in the USA in seduction skills!
I was paid to teach to overcome shyness and connect with the people that attract us, and I incorporated concepts of social psychology that had not been used before.
I remember that stage with a lot of love. I enjoyed seeing how very timid people returned to feel ownership of their sentimental life, and I met wonderful people with whom I still have a relationship.
But with the passage of time, I realized that, in reality, any strategy to link could be summarized with a word.
I had personally checked it hundreds of times. Still, I wanted to find what science said about it and I was pleasantly surprised:
The effectiveness of honesty to seduce had already been demonstrated.
However, to flirt it is not enough to say what you think. There is often a big difference between what you want to communicate and what the other person understands. According to the psychology of seduction, you must use honesty in a way that generates empathy and positive emotions: if a person associates you with pleasant sensations, it will be easier for you to seduce them.
If you want to improve your seduction skills, either with someone you have just met or a co-worker, sit in a comfortable place because in this article you will discover:
- Ten techniques on How to flirt
- The origin of your fear of rejection and how to overcome it
- How to get more out of it
Let’s go there.
How to flirt with a girl or boy
Honesty is scarce today. We are used to flirting with prefabricated phrases, not to expose our feelings and to hide what we think.
That’s why honesty is so effective: because nobody expects it, and that will disengage you from all the other suitors.
Look! I am not saying that it is infallible. They will reject you, yes, but now you know that, in most cases, you will not be solely responsible.
Assume that you will only link if they reject you. There’s no other way. The key is to increase your chances of seducing that person, and that is precisely what you will get by being honest.
But how to use honesty?
1. Offer a reason
Long ago, when I finally dared to start talking to a girl, just he says something like “Hey, what’s your name?”.
As you may have guessed, my success rate was rather low. The reason is that our mind when it is not clear about the reasons for something is usually invented.
Since he was not saying why he wanted to meet her, the girls could imagine anything, like for example that he was asking all of them.
If you communicate honestly, you will provide a reason. And they will not have to imagine it anymore even if that means making your interest evident.
Hello, I have not been able to avoid realizing that you have a very sweet look (reason), and I have wanted to meet you. What is your name?
This way you do not leave any margin to your imagination and help you empathize with your motives. It is that everyone believes that someone is worthy of wanting to know.
If it seems very direct, you can always highlight anything else that is not directly related to it. This is especially useful when girls want to flirt with a boy:
Hello, I love how you have that shirt (reason). By the way, my name is Clara.
The science behind
Giving a reason reduces the other person’s uncertainty and increases the chances of you saying yes. In a study conducted at Harvard University, those students who added a motive to their request (in this case skip the line of waiting for people) increased their success rate by 55%.
2. Condition your interest
Maybe now you are thinking that showing your interest in that person will be giving away your value, and that will put you in a position of inferiority. It depends. Do you remember that seduction is like a commercial exchange?
Imagine that you pass in front of a car dealership and see one that catches your attention. You like. Would you enter the dealer and you would put 15,000 dollars in the hand of the seller while you say “sell me that car already”?
No. Although you like it, before buying it you inform yourself about the engine, open the trunk, examine the wheels and even sit inside. You want to be sure before deciding.
To seduce you have to do something similar. Although what you see interests you, you should not seem willing to buy at any price. First, you have to make sure it’s good. Otherwise, you will show yourself as someone in need, able to pay for anything.
To avoid this, you must include another element besides your motive. It is a goal, which in this case is to see if that person corresponds with what you are looking for.
“Hi, I could not help but realize that you have a very sweet look (reason), and I have been very excited to meet you to see if you are also fun (for what). What is your name?”
So you make it clear why you are there and also puts you in an examining position: first, you want to see if it is also fun.
The science behind
There is a belief that not showing interest in the other person is the only way to get their attention, but the reality is that it is a very bad strategy. In a sociological study, it was found that looking inaccessible does not affect our attractiveness. However, what works is that someone thinks that we are demanding, but that we have an interest in it.
3. Give an output
Seemingly a scarce resource is one of the main strategies to increase our perceived value against an unknown:
“Hello, I have to leave in five minutes (exit), but I could not help but realize that you have a very sweet look, and I have been very excited to meet you to see if you are also fun. What is your name?”
Besides, you will also get the other person to relax and be more predisposed to listen to you.
The reason is that when we meet someone, we do not know what kind of conversation he is going to give us. The possibility that it is too heavy or makes us lose time puts us on the defensive, and nobody wants to have to get rid of a heavy one.
The science behind
However, if you give yourself an exit in the form of a temporary limitation, you will understand that you do not run the risk of being “kidnapped” with you for two hours. That will reassure him.
And do not worry, because if five minutes pass and your conversation are interesting, nobody will remember that you were in a hurry.
4. Communicate what attracts you
One of the principles of social psychology is that we are attracted to those people we know we like or can come to like.
This is called reciprocity, and you have surely experienced it many times. When you know that someone likes you, you see him with better eyes. If on the contrary, you generate the absolute indifference, over time you will lose interest.
As the conversation progresses and you get to know that person better, you can use this principle to your advantage by telling them what you like about them.
Be careful not to seem too selective and use generic terms like “you are very nice.” You must keep showing yourself demanding and sub-communicate that your interest is not unconditional
How do you get that? Well, honestly, of course!
What exactly do you like about that person? Do you have a welcoming look? Say it! Do you think someone with clear ideas and that attracts you? Say it too!
The science behind
It has been shown that receiving a compliment generates very positive feelings, similar to the effect of receiving money. That is why it is an excellent tool to persuade and seduce. In another investigation, it was observed that, even when it is perceived as insincere, it is better to flatter someone than not to do it at all!
5. Fear of opening up
One of the biggest brakes when it comes to flirting is to stay without knowing what to say, right? To solve it and generate more connection at the same time, you must lose the fear of opening up.
Revealing personal information will help the other person know you more. And the more someone knows us, the more we attract them. It is scientifically proven. Open up Not too much or too soon, but get used to sharing personal details. The superficial conversations are boring and also do not serve to make you know more.
Also, upon opening, you will cause the other person to feel the need to reciprocate and reveal information about you.
To keep a conversation alive and get to know yourself in depth, get used to explaining your motives and asking for theirs. It’s as easy as using the word why.
Most conversations are something like this:
“What is your job?”
“I’m an engineer.”
“Interesting. I’m a lawyer.”
End of conversation.
Now look at this other:
“What is your job?”
“I’m an engineer.”
“Interesting. I am a lawyer because as a child I admired Perry Mason for his ability to discover the truth. Do you why you ‘re an engineer? “
Maybe then I’ll explain that he always had the vocation of designing engines, or that all the women in his family are engineers, or that he wanted to be a doctor and did not get the grade. The amount of information and topics that can appear just by asking why!
The science behind
In a famous study, Dr. Aron selected a group of participants who had never met before, sat them in pairs and gave them 45 minutes to ask a series of questions. Half of the couples gave them an envelope with the typical questions that are used in social relationships, while the other half gave questions that were an increasing intensity to reach such intimate questions as “What was the last time what did you cry? “
The result? A couple of participants created a connection so strong that they ended up marrying a few months later.
6. Find similarities
Besides knowing you, it has been shown in a meta-analysis that believing that you are both similar also generates attraction.
I will always remember a time when I was with some friends, and we met a group of girls. One of them I liked a lot, but despite all my efforts, there was no way I could show the slightest interest in me.
When I was about to throw in the towel, we discovered by chance that we were born on the same day of the same month in the same year! From that moment his attitude changed completely, and he did not separate from me all night 😉
Try to deepen your similarities when you are meeting someone. And the best part is that they do not have to be especially important links: they can be as simple as whether you’re vacationing in the same town or you like the same music.
The science behind
In a study at the University of Texas, Dr. Byrne gave each of his students a report on the tastes and preferences of an anonymous person and asked them to value their affinity for it. A group of students received the report from someone who felt the same on relevant issues such as politics or religion, but with opposite tastes in the personal, such as music or movies.
Another group received information about someone who matched their tastes but differed totally on the transcendental topics. The main thing would be to think that the students of the first group, those who did not coincide in personal tastes but shared important beliefs, would feel more affinity than those who shared preferences but had opposite ideas in transcendental matters, right?
7. Positive emotions
Do you know what emotional illness is? It is a mechanism of transmission of emotions that has allowed us to survive to this day. That’s why you laugh when you see someone in a fit of laughter, or you get sad when the protagonist of the movie cries inconsolably.
But emotions are also contagious when, someone tells us about them.
Although it seems trivial, this is the closest thing to a superpower you will ever have: it means that you can modify the emotional state of others.
If when you talk to someone you smile, and you transmit good vibes with your words, you will make him feel more cheerful and associate those emotions with you. If that happens, rest assured that you will want to spend more time with you.
To spread positive emotions, get used to using positive emotional verbs such as “I’m excited,” “I’m excited” or “I enjoy when …”.
The science behind
In a massive experiment, Facebook manipulated the wall of hundreds of thousands of people to observe emotional states mostly happy, or sad. The result was that, those people who had seen positive emotions, produced in turn more optimistic content, and vice versa. This is the demonstration that talking about your feelings can affect the emotional state of others and cause them to feel better in your presence.
8. Laugh at you or the situation
Humor is another generator of positive emotional states. However, when we link, we tend to be so impressed that we forget about him.
But nobody expects to meet someone relaxed and honest, able to laugh at himself or the situation. If you do, be sure you will make a difference.
Laugh at yourself is so effective for two reasons:
First, send the message that you are relaxed enough to joke about you. That communicates that you have nothing to hide, one of the pillars of seduction.
Also, it is a practically infallible style of humor. While a joke or a joke about the other person may feel bad, being the target of your joke will avoid any misunderstanding. It is also a good idea to laugh at the situation you are experiencing at that moment. It will show you as someone who is uncomfortable and able to take advantage of the circumstances.
The science behind
Imagine that you are left blank. Instead of suffering for not knowing what to say, it would be much more effective to joke about the situation:
“Do you realize that I’m blank? I do it on purpose to see if you’re attentive! “
9. Touch subtly
Physical contact is one of the most primitive forms of communication. Animals do not socialize, persuade, seduce or mate with words, but by touching.
If you do not touch the person you want to seduce, the most likely thing is that the attraction does not end up being consolidated. That’s when you’ll ask why there never was a second date, or what was the reason that prevented you from entering a more intimate field.
When you are bonding with someone, try to start the contact as soon as possible. Even if it is an accidental touch on the arm, you have already achieved that the contact between the two is perceived as something natural.
Because the longer you let go, the weirder and forced it will seem later.
With two or three casual touches on the upper arm will be enough. Think that the higher and longer you keep it, the more intimate it will be (but also riskier).
The science behind
In a revealing study, a determined man was busy asking the phone to several unknown women on a busy street in Vannes (France). Half of the time he did not make contact, while in the other half he subtly touched the woman’s arm. The result? Its success rate increased by 92%.
It has also been proven that a man’s interest in a woman increases if she touches him lightly. The problem is that sometimes men misinterpret an accidental touch as an obvious sign of sexual interest. So be careful!
10. Propose a concrete plan
After a while of conversation, the moment of truth will come: get your contact to see you a second time in a quieter place.
Although everything has gone great, things can always go wrong. When the other person reflects, perhaps attribute your connection to the environment (something usual if you know at a party or a nightclub) and feel embarrassed having a “formal” appointment.
The most usual thing is that this happens if you simply ask for their telephone number.
Since you are not giving any reason, the implicit message is that your next contact will be to keep an appointment and formalize your interest. And that can generate tension.
It is much better, as you have seen in the first point of this list, to give a reason .
It can be something as simple as showing you a place where they prepare the best mojitos in the city, or follow the conversation in a quieter place.
“How about we give you the phone and continue this conversation taking one of the best mojitos in the city? I know a place that you’re going to love. “
The science behind
This way you take pressure off. Although logically it is an appointment, your proposal has a specific objective, and that will make you much more convincing.
The origin of the fear of rejection
For a large part of my life, this is what happened to me every time I went out and saw someone I liked:
On most occasions, I was so afraid that she would reject me that I did not even try to talk to her. And so he returned home night after night.
If I dared to introduce myself, after 5 minutes, I did not know what to say. Then she would excuse herself and say that she had to leave.
When by some chance we managed to have a good conversation, I almost always left without asking for the phone.
When I asked, half of the time they did not give it to me, and in the other half, the calls did not answer me.
Sure you hear one of these situations, right? Especially the first one, because if you are like 95% of the people, surely you do not even dare to take the first step and approach the person that attracts you.
You prefer not to risk your self-esteem and stay with the doubt of what would have happened, to run the risk of taking a rejection.
Do you know why this happens to you?
Because it would be confirmation that you are not as attractive or interesting as your ego wants you to think. Your ego does not like anything that is put to the test.
At first, I was also paralyzed, letting escape one chance after another, until finally, I understood where my mistake was.
The problem is that I was taking rejection personally.
Every time I was rejected, I interpreted it as being repudiating me as a person that I was the only one responsible for not having liked him.
But that’s not true.
People have thousands of reasons to reject you that have nothing to do with you. I’m gonna put an example.
Have you ever rejected a commercial that called you to sell you a credit card without giving you the opportunity to talk?
Surely yes. Does that mean you’re rejecting the commercial as a person?
No, you reject it because at that moment what it offers does not interest you. If I called you right when you have unsubscribed from your bank, another rooster would sing.
Well, that same thing happens in seduction.
In the vast majority of cases, people will reject you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Maybe you have a wonderful relationship with your partner, are starting to date someone else, have had a bad day or remind your ex (who did not end up too well).
There are thousands of reasons for you to be rejected without having anything to do with you. Once you understand that they do not reject you for what you are, your ego will no longer see rejection as something personal.
Remember: no one can reject you as a person if you do not know everything you can offer.
How to overcome the fear of rejection
But still, fear paralyzes you. Because your mind hates the unknown, and only wants you to stay in the (depressing) security of your comfort zone.
That’s why, the moment you decide to take the first step, your mind will send you a wave of excuses to paralyze you. Excuses such as:
“I’m sure you already have a partner.”
“He has not looked at me, so I should not interest him.”
“Today I’m tired, and it’s not my best day.”
“He’s going to laugh at me.”
“I will not know what to say”
How can you overcome these thoughts?
The answer is that you can not. And the best answer is that you should not even try.
Whatever you do, your unconscious mind will throw them at you. You can not help but feel them no matter how hard you try.
And this is the biggest mistake we make: we wait for our fear to disappear. We try to feel more confident and confident to act, often with the help of alcohol.
But that fear will never go away. Every time you leave your comfort zone and you expose yourself to social rejection, you will feel fear.
The only solution, therefore, is to do it with fear.
The way they have sold us is that we should feel confident to be successful in doing anything, but that is false.
You can not feel confident before doing something that intimidates you. You will only feel confident once you have done it.
Remember when you learned to ride a bicycle? You did not wait to feel confident before going up for the first time. You climbed with fear and, as you were pedaling, you began to feel more confident.
When you want to take the first step to flirt, do not wait to feel more sure of yourself or you’ll be waiting forever. Assume that your fear is normal and that it will be there no matter what you do.
Only then will you dare to act.
Learn to take advantage
Many people prefer the fast way. That’s when they search online for phrases to flirt or types of look that help them get the attention of the person they want to seduce.
Yes, it may work. They may even start to come out. But if they have nothing more to offer, that relationship will not last long. I’ve seen it dozens of times.
Think of a relationship as a business transaction. If it turns out that in the end, you do not sell anything, the other person will not want to buy either.
Even if it seems cold, whenever we meet someone we unconsciously wonder what that person can offer us.
It can simply be a time of sex. Or maybe fun, knowledge, stability or the promise of a future full of exotic adventures.
In any case, you must be clear about what you can offer that person. What is it that makes you special? Communicating it indirectly in your conversation will help you a lot.
So the first thing you should ask yourself is what is in you that can attract someone?
If you can not answer now, do not worry. It is not easy to know our strengths. But it is important that you do the exercise of reflecting on it.
I’ll give you a clue: we are usually attracted to people with a passion for something.
People attract us because of their passions and knowledge. What makes us unique generates attraction, while the mundane and routine bore. So do not be afraid to talk about your passions and be interested in theirs.
Let’s review what you have got from this article.
First, you have understood that the fear of rejection is something totally natural, and that the keys to dare to take the first step is to learn to act with fear and assume that most of the time the rejection will have nothing to do with you.
You have also learned that, to seduce, you must be able to communicate what is special about you. For that there is nothing better than having clear your passions and objectives.
Finally, you have seen a list of ten techniques with a common denominator: honesty . Honesty because you should not hide your interest, but make it conditional; because you must open up and communicate what attracts you to the other person. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and spread positive emotions.
With all this, I assure you that you will generate a very positive impact on the people you want to seduce. You will stand out by showing yourself as someone authentic and different, and that is extremely attractive.
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